Problems of the Faith

I'm taking a break from translating You Su lan's Angel myth, not because of the problems I have with google translate but it's beginning to annoy me...

I never thought of myself as a conservative Christan, I've never boycotted a movie because it had the word "damn" in or not read Harry Potter or stopped playing RPGs because they had "magic" in but sometimes I do get pissed...

And it's the wrong kind of pissed, really... I haven't got much confidence really, i'm struggling to make that transition from child to adult and I don't have much confidence in my faith. Don't get me wrong, I love my God and will always be loyal but I hadn't read the bible in a while (i'm re-reading it now) and my faith had dwindled away, after I stopped going to Church as I didn't feel welcome in a place where most of the congregation were middle class, white people who stuck their nose up at a friend of mine who wanted to take pictures of the inside of the church. So my relationship with God was and is lacking, I feel i can no longer pray with conviction and I only pray once at night when i go to sleep.

However I can't argue my faith with an atheist and I get uncomfortable around people who slag off my faith, the bible says don't be ashamed so I do speak out but then feel stupid afterwards... -_-... I always had the idea of myself as a lowly servant of the Lord, one who can't argue theologically but believes and loves with all her heart.

Even now i'm not sure however, my love has been replaced with an avid fear of don't playing by the rules, Jesus spoke badly of these kind of people, those people who follow god's rules but have no love... I do love but I fear my wish to only do the right thing has encroached on it.

Anyway back to Angel Myth, I just can't deal with some of the things it says, like God is a liar and had shown propaganda to his angels and the devil is the underdog who just - can't - catch - a - break *sniff cry cry* straying once more into dark materials/neo-paradise lost era. Sometimes I feel so dirty translating those kind of phrases... her world building is so intent on judeo-christian myth I can't get away from it. However I keep going because i've never seen a character like Gabriel before, who inspires me.

I know these things shouldn't bother me, it wouldn't have done several years ago, after all that's her opinion and she's entitled to it and it's just a story but I just don't like it, i feel personally affronted and as guilty as ever!. I think it's because I don't know much about my faith anymore, about what is really written in the Bible and as I read more and more I feel guilty less and less, the God she writes about isn't my God, neither are her angels or her world.

So I may return later, but right now, I need a break.

Another Dream

I usually dream when i'm at home as I generally sleep in more and have a more comfortable bed (and it's not cold either :P) I woke up this morning thinking "I want my baby back!" Usually I have dreams about either a) being pregnant or b) having an arranged marriage. This was one of the first times where I actually dreamt I had a child.

I wasn't married, in fact I had taken a year out of university or something like that and was living at home. The father was a dark-haired skinny, somewhat emo looking kid who lived locally (I don't actually know anyone like this) and he was one of those people you would term a "bad boy", someone who I knew wouldn't be a good father or husband, so he would come visit every now and again with his girlfriend. The girlfriend was a bit miffed but I wasn't intimidated by her, he had to do his share of the responsibilty.

Anyway it turns out that we had had sex because of the peer pressure of our friends, since both of us were single at that time or something like that and we had forgotten about contraception. (our friends had also watched to make sure we did it, what's wrong with my brain??)

The baby I had had was a boy but I kept thinking it was a girl XD and I couldn't make up my mind what I wanted to call it, I kept thinking Vivec LOL! But the child never cried! not once, I kept thinking to myself, why isn't my baby crying? Whenever I left the child with my mother I couldn't hear the baby crying. It's just a quiet baby I told myself.

Anyway when I woke up and realised it wasn't real, I really wanted my baby back :(.

Pros and Cons of Games

So playing Dragon age: awakenings I was thinking about how different my "must buy" games are from each other. While playing through I was thinking about how many of the quests and environs reminded me of other games I had played, named Oblivion and FFXII (the run around and collect bottles quest) So I decided... to make a COMPARISON! haha.

Bethesda.
Oblivion/Morrowind.
Ah, I love this series. I have been buying the games ever since Morrowind and have every expansion pack (I think, they may have brought out some for Oblivion I haven't seen yet)
Pros:
- Love, Love, Love the quests in this game because there are so many and for different factions, so there is always something to do. The quests aren't dry either, often they have twists I never saw coming.
-Enviroments, Bethesda are so good at creating an atmosphere among Morrowind/Oblivion. I mean I had never seen something like Vivec before, a sort of compound city, amazing. I like how people in different cities have different armour and different races, nothing is missed.
-Lore, amazing! I spent hours in Morrowind readings books in the library (not so much in Oblivion) my favourites were the one called Pelle or something like that, about a man who is in love with a statue and turns it accidentally into a monster and the Vivec verses :D.
- Culture, as I said before each place in Morrowind at least had different cultures and I really enjoyed running around Oblivion doing all the Gods quests. The depth of the world is amazing.
- Do what you want, You know you don't have to do any quests if you don't want. You can buy a house, wear a nice dress, go to the church, eat at the tavern, go home and sleep. You could just live a normal life!
-Lots of loot! You can find lots of nice weapons and armour around, you're not confined to one nasty piece of armour.
- Don't take my stuff! Yeah I like how people get angry if you take their things!
-Story, loved Morrowind's plot, especially the whole Neverine thing, it was nothing that had been done before which was shocking (but I think it was based around Hindu myths, so foreign to our culture) Oblivion... mmm....

Cons:
- Lonesome, yes I get lonely. Your character has no family or friends, you spend your days raiding tombs and dungeons and what do you come back to, an empty house :(. (However in Morrowind you did have your "servants" but hell... not the same) I get lonely especially in morrowind as everyone is so RACIST! but you know at least Martin liked you in Oblivion XD.
- Too hard, in Morrowind at least. It took forever to get past Lvl 2 (not to mention I was trying to be a healer and a fighter at the same time -_-)
- Fugly NPCs, seriously...
- You can be ANYTHING! I joined the mages and the fighters guild and the assassin guild and the thieves guild, so really I could do anything without any consequences :(.
- Killing Lucian in Oblivion :( you bastards.
- No Romance option, come on!
- You are genderless, even if I pick the female option, i'm not treated any differently then if I was a man, the real world doesn't work that way :(.
-Dungeon fatigue, I get so bored of going through the same old tunnel all the time with the creepy music, I used to get so frustrated when someone sent me to a cave. I really really hate it. Oh and then someone thought it would be fun to have Oblivion gates, I was so happy when they all got closed. Hated them so much...
- The people with Corpus whatever, ugh they creep me out.
- Really tho the main beef I have is the loneliness, it really gets on my wick!!
- Can't get through without cheats (sorry i'm not a hardcore gamer... like that bit at the end of Morrowind where you needed such and such strength to open the door, not fun)
- Not warm fuzzy feeling, it's a cold cold world out there.
- The walking corpses in Oblivion and the sound they make ugh.

Bioware/whoever else
Neverwinter Nights/Dragon Age
Ah another series I love :D. Also have all the games and all expansion packs, even though I didn't play the last expansion for NWN2 the merchant one :(.

Pros:
-Romance!! YAY!
- Not lonely, not at all. You have your little rag-tag band and I grew to love them all! World doesn't appear so cold with them.
- Really good fighting system, I loved being a Cleric so much I always picked it.
- Hilariously funny, the dialogues between your characters and between your character and NPCs especially in NWN2. I will always remember, when we came into contact with a desire demon in NWN: Sand: stand aside i'll handle this! Khelgar: One more step and you'll be kissing the paving stones! XD.
- Amazing characterisation, I'm not kidding, I have fallen in love with about two male characters from these games (neither were canon romance interests hahaha)
- Good storylines, especially Hordes of the Underdark <- my fav
- Puzzles, yep sometimes it's nice to have them pepper up the dungeon exploration.
- Linear, unlike Morrowind/Oblivion

Cons
- Same old same old, uses the cliche fantasy world, DA darkspawn = orcs. Also they stole so much from Lotr the film XD like the part where the darkspawn march out.
- Closed world, not as big as Oblivion
- not as big lore, though more in NWN, cut down in DA.
- Not continous, because these games keep getting swapped from game department to game department they won't always be the same, like that last expansion back for NWN2 (not mask) what was that about??
- Throw a massive monster at you as a boss... *yawn*
- Your friends can betray you ;_;
- I feel geeky playing it, dark elves? Am I playing D & D??
- Only one/two love intrests, let me at the older men dammit!
- DA -> got rid of all the good parts of NWN2 like, stats based on your childhood (flirt, bully etc), choosing your own God (now it's just the Maker), More classes (than just Rogue, Mage, Fighter) and most of all only the conversation choices, you now only have three (neutral, nice and dickhead) it's impossible therefore to be lawful evil or chaotic neutral, bring back that system dammit!
- Bad Camera angles, in NWN but not in DA
- Hordes of Undead (actually this is true in oblivion)
- DA <- you are asexual again, even as a girl no one treats me differently really...
- No consequences, just like in Oblivion/Morrow, this I suppose is the game creators way of not making you feel guilty, I was furious to find out my character could have killed Loghain with a smile, ugh... Don't make me feel better game FGS! you're supposed to be "dark fantasy"
- BAD sex scenes *cringe*
- Alistair... need I say more?
- Characters suddenly becoming noble so as to molly coddle you, happened in DA when my character had Loghain on the team, up till then he had been the villain then suddenly he was willing to sacrifice himself so I didn't have to... whaaa??? Same with the whole sleep with Morrigan thing, the men obviously don't have a say XD (I was glad that it gave me the option to refuse but really... it stunts my own ability to create my own story)However in NWN this wasn't the case, in Hordes, your female companion will betray you at the end because of her past. Also it's more based on how much you sweet-talked them like in NWN2 Sand and Bishop would betray you if you didn't up their affection.

Huh, there's more cons than pros there but really actually, NWN/DA are really good (NWN is better than DA in my opinion, story-wise and also no Alistair...)

JRPGs
Final Fantasy, Valkyrie Profile, Fire Emblem, uuuh... the rest.
I play a few JRPGs but not many, my Japanese quota is usually taken up by Harvest Moon but now and again I stray over.

Pros:
-Taken over from the west in terms of Folklore, they use the "evil aristocratic family"/arthurian thing really well, so I find a lot of inspiration from these games.
-Beautiful environments, especially VP
-Nice romantic stories *loving sigh*
-Good characterisation :D
-Quite dark, it's nice that not everything always goes right for the characters unlike in western games. Also more sexual I suppose... :P
-Really good fighting systems, here's looking at you FFXII
-Nice music (sometimes...)
-Good bosses which force you to have strategies rather than just hack/slash.
-Pretty men ^^

Cons:
-Boy as main character (unfortunately, unlike the others I can't choose to be a lady :( )
- Too hard and then some... I often can't beat the final boss sometimes without a guide (I fail at games :D) Also what is up with collecting 5000 of one bit of something that fell off something to get a rare weapon or stabbing a tree a thousand times until you win a shield? I don't have time! I just want to play the story!
- weird life lessons, um thanks...
- The enviroment is ALL!! Also I know nuclear war is a horrible thing, I don't need a thinly veiled aesop to tell me that.
- Stabs at Christainity, I don't mind as long as you don't completely misunderstand... like FF10, yeah I get it's supposed to the Catholic church in the past but c'mon! Sin as a big scaly thing? your dad becoming the messiah or something? (oh wait, it has Seymour and an forced marriage, my fav so I guess it wasn't all bad)
- Sexist, couldn't get through Star Ocean, ugh...
- Silly genki girls *stabs eyes out*
- Bad pairing, why do you like her/him? (FFVIII i'm looking at you)
- Make them gay for the fans

that's all I can think of right now XD hahah... I love to complain.

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Expansion Pack!

Playing Dragon Age Awakening, Not as good as Dragon age so far (and I expect better from bioware, Mask of the Betrayer in some eyes outsucceeded Neverwinter Nights 2 (I however loved NWN 2, it's still up there in my list of best games EVA!)

Suffering and Shame

Right now I'm sort of lost at sea...

Being at university had exhausted me mentally and physically. I feel often that I can no longer continue, often I fall into sort of "breakdowns". It might just be a simple thing, an argument with one or both my parents, a teasing remark from a friend, an accidental embarrassment but that's enought to set me off.

When I get into these phases, I completely lose all control. I lose all my self esteem, become a pathetic wreck sobbing my heart out, believe I am alone in the world etc. etc. Often I have suicidal thoughts, but really I would never do such a thing (please don't think i'm so silly to do that), I want to live but sometimes the pain is so immense I can't bear to continue on.

I recently had one of these "breakdowns" a few days ago and i'm still reeling from it (I actually rang up the Samartians because I couldn't deal with it, I feel ashamed about that now because of the stigma (only suicidal maniacs ring them right?). My mind is completely in the air, after I got told that I might be suffering from depression.

Whatever I have, I want a name for it and if I don't have it, I want to move on with my life. It's so hard to work and have a relationship with people right now, I just don't have the energy.

So that's why I think I might leave Uni. I love my degree and my course but I just can't continue like this. Ugh...

Sunset Over Imdahl

I thought I would mention this game here. I played this game sometime ago after finding it randomly on a games site. At first I didn't think it was anything special, boy was I wrong. This game though seeming simple on the surface, is amazingly told.

You follow the story of a young boy whose city has been decimated by a plague, you met a strange man who tells you you can stop it and gives you the power to travel forwards and backwards in time.

As you travel you met different people, your friends and family who in the spring and summer are happy and living their lives but come autumn and winter you increasingly see the dark side of the world.

People rob you, betray you, even those who you thought were your close friends because the need to eat has driven them to it. It's a heartwrenching scene of human desperation.

The twist is also very well done, I didn't see it coming and the end scene is fantastic. The use of the tombstone to show the future was an intresting device.

I recommend this game to all of you, even if you aren't a gamer, it's just so poignant and I'm impressed (and i'm not easily impressed.

You can download it here

Character Tree

My Novel is very complex, and it will only continue to get bigger and bigger. Right now I've tried to sort out all the character ties. This is majorly spoilerific and I had doubts about putting it up here, however if I ever do publish the book, I will take it down immediately :P (you think i'm big headed again right ;D), try reading from Roscilla/Baldwin and then across, it's easier to read that way. Oh and I used Genopro for the program.

The reason I wrote this novel was to give a big "fuck you" to the sort of stories that are written today, where people in power are just, where consequences of actions don't matter and lovers live happily ever after. Also where girls are pure, beautiful things who live only for men and relationships. The characters Alys and Maudlin are rejections of this trope, Alys murders her lover for sexual gratification and asexual Maudlin uses all sorts of dirty tactics to gain political power. Really though I'm not trying to start off some "movement" I just want to write a story like the Arthur tales, you know, where Arthur is betrayed by his wife, he isn't the great king he was supposed to be, his father wasn't particularly noble in seducing Igraine. Where people are real people, who fail and have weaknesses and things don't just work out because it's fiction.

Capetian Family Tree

As for the last post, huh, well... we shall see...

Now you all know i'm a Medieval History buff and I love the Capetians (I love Louis VII, my Ipod is named after him, even if he didn't really "man up"). I base a lot of my stories around the drama that happens with royal familys :D. So while doing some character charts I was searching for a nice geneology of them and found one here. The problem is, I really want a chart with bastard children and mistresses also included. I think this will be hard to find~~

....

Having a major breakdown. My university life might be over forever. I don't know.

Will be back soon....

But she did not die....

Dragon Age has been finished, and so another chapter has closed on my orginal character histories. It's nice to have a certain game that you always pick up as more editions come out and expansions and so can continue your own unique story.

As I had decided, my character betrayed Alistair at the Landsmeet and saved Loghain's life. I had always prefered Loghain as you can probably tell. I wanted to save Loghain in all possible ways, so I had to sacrfice my love to do it (I didn't really like Alistair very much tho... ugh...) I also refused Moriggan's proposition, for obvious reasons *GRIN* though I was sad for her to leave and it broke my heart to find out about Alistair, if only you hadn't been so much of a pussy...

So in the end, I had to decide to sacrifice myself or Loghain, the choice was obvious. Sparrow sacrificed herself...

However, there is an expansion... I wonder what will happen in that story? *wink*

Robot Unicorn Attack!

Do you remember the 80s? no? Well I don't, I'm not old and crusty like you hahaha. However I do watch a lot of crazy 80's films, like Karate Kid (well I haven't ever watched that) and Legend (Love it!) remember the crazy soundtracks they had, like this and this (HOT!)

Haha, I found this game off Fandomsecrets and man does it remind me of those kind of songs, so much that i'm off in the world of nostalgia and rainbows whenever I play it. Happily making that unicorn jump and smash into things, I love it! It's so 80's!

Alice In Ponderland

Dear me what a dissapointment, only ten minutes in and I already knew it wasn't for me. It was in no way mad enough and the clash of Tim Burton and Disney was horrific, like a beautiful piece of artwork censored horribly with the last minute Disney morale tacked on offensively at the end.

I watch Beauty and the Beast when I'm feeling pure, I watch sleepy Hollow when i'm feeling bad. I couldn't handle this amalgamation!!

Alice discovered China??? HO HO HO... you'll regret it when the Opium wars break out my dear.

Mad Hatter was just Jack Sparrow in crazy make-up.

One thing however... hmm, I love my twisted relationships. So glad it wasn't censored out :DDD. I love me some Gothic themes, the byronic man coming on to the sweet young girl... haha~~~~ "I like them big" Oh ho ho~

P.s. Look see, I figured out how to do links. I understands the internets!!